There I said it – I am a ridiculous work in progress. What do I mean by that? Well, lets just say that things that have happened to me in the past still have a hold on my psyche and I am working on changing that.
Let me explain a little more. My 1st husband had an affair, not just one affair – but 3, with 3 different women. The guy I dated for 3 years before I met Jake, remarried his ex-wife about 3 months after we broke up – but maintains that they were never an item while we were together (I am not stupid, I don’t believe that for a minute). Those 2 instances y’all – shook me to my core and left something inside my broken. I am super candid about both instances – but I cannot let them continue to impact my mind going forward. I have a jealous streak a mile wide, and its not pretty.
Case in point, the other night I had tagged Jake in something on facebook, and someone I didn’t know liked it. I asked him “who is this”, thinking his response was going to be “someone from high school” or “someone I used to work with at DHL”. NOPE – it was “someone I met on match long before you, and never went out with”. Y’all, I instantly started to shut down – to my HUSBAND. This is the man that I married, that vowed to love me for the rest of my life and I vowed to love him. He picked ME, not her – ME. He was laying in bed next to ME. I rolled over and put my phone back on the nightstand, and snugged down into the covers. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, and quickly shut my eyes. I didn’t want to talk about how bad it bothered me.
Let me explain why this is absolutely absurd. I have a friend on facebook that I met on match.com long before Jake. This guy had a crazy situation, and it wouldn’t have worked out between us – we never went out. He ended up DJ’ing our wedding – he is a super nice guy, an awesome dad to his kids – but that’s it. Why is it OK for me to be friends with him but not for Jake to be friends with this chick? Y’all, it is totally fine – she is no threat to me. However, in my mixed up (messed up) brain, I was petrified and made her a threat to me.
Ever heard the saying that you are your own worst enemy? Yep, that’s me. I can make up ridiculous situations with the best of them, because I am scared. Do I have ANY reason to be? NOT. AT. ALL.
Can I change the fact that I am being ridiculous?
I can – I’m just a ridiculous work in progress.